USA School District
Many of you have heard the rumors from your children that their bus driver, Donny J. Trumpet has been drinking on the job and that he ran over playground equipment while shortcutting through the school yard. I want you to know we are as concerned with these rumors as you and we will investigate them thoroughly. We did confront Mr. Trumpet about this and he assured us that despite the Smirnoff’s label on the bottle it contained only lemonade or was it iced tea, possibly an energy drink, so I guess it could have been anything. In any event he swallowed the evidence so this was inconclusive. As for the damaged playground equipment, that might have been caused by any bus and no one was hurt so “no harm/no foul.”
We are also investigating reports of parked vehicles being sideswiped along Mr. Trumpet’s route. While it appears some of these could have been caused by Mr. Trumpet, he explained that he really doesn’t follow the route laid out by the school and followed by prior drivers, so we have expanded our investigation to check all other yellow vehicles in town for missing paint. Due to the hundreds of complaints we expect this part of our investigation to take another two to four years. I want to assure you that should the investigation yield proof of wrongdoing by Mr. Trumpet, the school’s insurance will reimburse you for your damages to your cars and the board will consider punitive actions against Mr. Trumpet.
Please let us know at the next town hall meeting if you have any other question.
Oh and for those of you who still believe in science, I want to remind you that our annual science fair will be held in the gym this Friday at 7:00 PM.
Mike Sawyer, Chairman of the Boorish
I’m sure your school board would suspend a driver while they investigate but you and I are in for a bumpy ride because the smartest people in Washington can’t figure out how to stop this runaway bus.